Safety 'net...

I hated Facebook. I really did. And my children understood in no uncertain terms that I hated Facebook and that, short of a miracle, they would never have a Facebook profile while living under my roof.

I had heard all kinds of horror stories about social networking sites. MySpace had finally disclosed that they had tens of thousands of known predators who frequented their site. Each day brought a new headline about a teenager who met a stranger online and fallen in love. They would talk over a period of weeks or months and then decide to meet face-to-face. Then the teenager turned up missing. And the story had an unhappy ending.

I love my babies. Not going to go down that road.

And then the proverbial miracle happened. Our youth pastor got a Facebook profile. And he created a Facebook group. Actually several groups spun out of his foray into Facebook, and I found myself in need of a little counsel. My friend has just finished reading what was then a new book by Christian author and teen culture specialist Vicki Courtney. Logged On and Tuned Out: a nontechie’s guide to parenting a tech-savvy generation. Although I wasn’t exactly a nontechie, I had definitely heard only one side of the story about social networking, so I ordered the book from Amazon.com and waited.

It took me less than a day to read the entire book and when I finished I had a revelation. Social networking sites aren’t inherently evil. Like anything else in this fallen world of ours, the nature of the user determines the nature of the tool. Courtney explains that MySpace and Facebook are the “virtual malt shops” of the present, where kids meet and talk. She gives a wealth of information about both, but after careful processing and concerted prayer, as a family we decided to say “Yes” to Facebook and “No” to MySpace. (For us, MySpace has too many unresolved security issues.)

So I set up a Facebook profile. And I let my children over the age of thirteen set up Facebook profiles, too, with some guidelines. We have had a blast on Facebook. My children keep up with the social happenings of their friends and I’ve reconnected with people I used to know YEARS ago.

As we’ve networked through Facebook, we’ve discovered a few helpful hints for staying safe and out of trouble. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned.

Settings. Set everything to “Private” or “Friends only.” Profile, picture uploads, applications… everything. You don’t want to leave a backdoor open for strangers. No “Friends and their friends” at all. You never know when people you trust might make bad choice in their friends list. Don’t think that selecting the most restrictive access when you set up your profile will transfer to everything you do on Facebook. You have to specify the level of openness when you add photos, videos, events, groups, applications, and comments. Just about everything you do will require you to select the degree of privacy with which you want to do it.

Will you be my friend? Add/Confirm only people you really know (not people you’ve just heard of or people who say they know you but you never remember meeting them) as friends. It looks cool to have tons and tons of friends, but it’s like inviting hundreds of people into your house for a party. The more there are, the greater the chance something’s going to spin out of control and things will get broken and you’re going to get in trouble.

Have friends in the family. If the teens are on Facebook (and just for the record the minimum age to have a Facebook profile is thirteen, so if you’re having to lie about your age to get on Facebook, that’s strike one already), at least one parent needs to be on Facebook too. Parents and children need to be “Friends.” Being friends will allow the parents access to the student’s profile and to news feeds about comments other friends make about uploads or on your child’s profile.

The vault. Keep log-in information for all Facebook profiles in the family in one location, guarded by the parents. Parents: Get on your children’s profiles and check for anything that might not have come through in a news feed. Ask questions. Look through their pictures, posts, videos and links. Visit the groups they have joined. Scroll through the applications they have downloaded. View the Bumper Stickers and Pieces of Flair (two of the MANY applications that allow Facebook users to send virtual “gifts” to each other) they have accumulated. Check out all the information posted on their profile. It’s like taking a group of young students to the state fair. If you’re going to be there, you have to keep up with them.

Walk in the light. The Wall is the place for public conversations. It’s like talking out loud in a big group. Messages are private, like leaning over and whispering in someone’s ear. Make certain your whispers are appropriate. Messages never show up on the news feed. Parents: When you log-on to your children’s profiles, check the messages.
Pictures. Upload pictures to Facebook with the following in mind… What’s uploaded to cyberspace stays in cyberspace. Forever. You may think something is deleted, but digital is permanent, even after you hit delete. Deleting it just makes it invisible to most people. But trust me… it’s still there.

More pictures. People have different things that tempt them to sin. Do NOT cause your brother to stumble. Just because you were together at the pool party where you were wearing your bikini and he didn’t make any comments then doesn’t mean that when you upload the photos or videos later, things will be great. Giving someone the option of leisurely viewing you in a less-than-modest outfit or pose is NOT good for their heart, your reputation or your friendship later. It introduces darkness. Stay in the light. Ditto with your profile picture. It is literally your “face” on Facebook. People will make conclusions about what type of person you are based on the profile picture… and all the other “stuff”… you post.

Opening a can of worms. If you receive a message with a video link, verify it with the sender BEFORE opening. Facebook has been plagued of late with a worm virus that masquerades as a message to your friends. If your friends download the files, then their computers become victims of a cyber-predator. If you do get fooled into downloading and ugly virus, there are sites online where you can download anti-virus software for free. While you are in the process of getting rid of the malicious code, change your status to read that you have been a victim of a virus to let your friends know not to open anything they may receive from you.

Beware of the mask. Everyone registering for a Facebook profile has to give a name and email address. Just like someone completely innocent may choose for the sake of safety to post only a first and middle name or a first name and last initial instead of their complete name, someone else for unscrupulous reasons may choose to give an alias instead of his or her real name. For that reason, it’s best not to communicate with people via open groups or if you aren’t completely certain of that person’s identity. NEVER reveal you phone number or address in a public area on Facebook… including an open group calling for cell numbers because someone just got a new phone. Be careful that any pictures of students at home do not include street names or house numbers. And for good measure, leave your birth year off when you post your birthdate.

It’s not just an adventure, it’s a job. Facebook is fun. There’s no denying that. But it is massive. Parents should know what their children are doing at all times, not only in the real world but also in the social networking world. To join a social networking site or not is a decision that parents need to make through prayer and godly counsel. Give grace to those who choose not to participate. Hold accountable those who do.

And finally…

Since parents aren’t omniscient, we have to rely on filtering and monitoring software. You see, even on Facebook, students can instant message each other (“chat”) and then delete the history of the chat and parents will never know what happened. Our family opted to install monitoring software on our computer that allows parents to save and view every chat session and message as well as every email and website visit. This software is sophisticated enough that it can recall every single keystroke made on the computer, so that even things that get deleted later are recorded for our review. While there are many versions of this type of software, Safe Eyes and eBlaster are two of the most highly recommended.

Facebook is a defining cultural phenomenon for our age. It links the world in ways that were impossible just a few short years ago… sometimes for good and sometimes not. Like anything else you allow your children to do, make sure you keep an eye on their comings and goings. They can be safely on the ‘Net when you are their safety net.

Prom w/ me?

It's no secret that prom costs are ridiculous. Countless print, broadcast, and Internet outlets have run exposes on the high price of proms for years. Financially, the prom has been out of control for a long, long time. Now, it's spilled into the romance arena.

You would not even believe the lengths that kids are going to to ask out their prom dates. Girls expect guys to find creative ways to ask them to the prom. Just today while driving to school, the message, "Prom? TMT" was spelled out in Styrofoam cups, stuck through the chain link fence guarding a public walkway suspended over the Interstate. Boys have written/painted "Will you go to the prom with me?" in cul-de-sacs, across the threshold of front doors, and in creatively uploaded sequences of photos on Facebook.

I can remember when all that a guy had to do to get a girl to go to the prom with him was ask, "Will you go to the prom with me?" On the phone was OK. In the hall at school was fine. Even by note worked. But today, girls expect a production number accompanying the invitation. Methods formerly used to propose marriage are hijacked for a night of overpriced dining and dancing. I think that's sad.

It's just one more way that the world has sucked meaning out of the sacredness of marriage. Use all the good stuff on the prom because you might have to try out a lot of relationships before you find one that feels right enough to commit to in marriage. And even then, you can just roll over one morning and say, "Hey, how'd you like to wake up as Mrs. Me sometime in the unspecified future?" There you go.

As parents, I think we need to encourage our kids to wait for marriage for a lot of things, not just the physical union. Marriage carries with it privileges that ought to be left in its context alone. Wildly creative proposals. Elegant one-of-a-kind gowns. Handsome suits. Oceans of flowers. Feasts. Romantic slow dances. Late-night talks. Physical intimacy. Memories treasured for a lifetime. Those are wedding things.

Proms should be all about celebrating friendship and youth, not straining to reach unattainable expectations. Looking back at the prom should make us smile, not cause us to well up with tears of regret.

Mom and Dad: ponder what you can do to take the pressure off of the prom. Can you host a group dinner before the dance or a breakfast after? Would you open your house to a film-festival of old-school dance movies? Or an ice cream sundae party? Or a video game tournament? Would you give kids a public place to come before and after the prom itself, one that will be well-chaperoned and give them every reason NOT to do things... "big" or "little"... that are better left until marriage?

They're growing up so fast, but they're not there yet. Savor this occasion by parenting actively instead of stepping back and letting them pretend they're grown ups. Let this be another chance for you to teach them God's wise ways of doing life while they are still in their youth and still in your home.

Focus stuff...

And now... the focus. The purpose for being on the beach and looking at things from a biblical worldview: teenagers.

At least that's my focus. Although I want to see all of life from the beach, looking at things in a transformed way, in line with God's Word, the snippit of life that this blog will hone in on is life with teenagers.

At one point I was a teenager. I have worked with teenagers for most of my adult life. I interned in my church youth group while I was in college. I worked with Fellowship of Christian Athletes, leading small groups for area FCA Days. I taught high school for years, coaching cheerleaders and serving as advisor to the Student Council. And my husband and I were huddle coaches for our high school's chapter of FCA. I've taught middle schoolers in Sunday School. I've spoken to large groups of mothers and daughters about issues of modesty and purity. I've even served as producer and moderator for modesty videos. Recently, I've been teaching high school journalism. I have worked with teenagers A LOT.

And nothing I have ever done or am doing now prepared me for the experience of parenting a teenager of my own. That, my friends, is a whole 'nother ball game!

So I NEED this view from the beach. I need it personally to maintain perspective.

I have two teenagers in my house now, one boy and one girl. So we're seeing how the different genders approach the teen years in different ways. We also have another child who is headed towards the teen years more quickly than we'd like to admit.

So here goes... as we walk through parenting teens, I'm going to share things. I pray they will be for the glory of my Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that they will be encouraging and informative to you.

Many blessings,

BeachMom

Perspective...

Do not be conformed
to this world,
but be transformed
by the renewal
of your mind,
that by testing
you may discern
what is the will of God,
what is good
and acceptable and perfect.

~Romans 12:2

What a great verse! OK... like there are any bad verses. This verse speaks volumes to the view from the beach. We are Earth creatures, certainly. Born and raised on this planet and indoctrinated with an Earth perspective from the moment we begin to breathe its air.

It's hard to think of life from any other perspective. None comes more natural than the one we're born with... the one that looks to the world around us to define ourselves, our purpose, our relationship, and even our God. It's kind of sad when you think about it... to see things as thought it's up to humanity to determine its own destiny. Looking at the world from the point of view that humans are "it" is like looking at the beauty of the ocean by staring at the shore. Have you ever done that? Stared at the shore?

Don't get me wrong, I love the sand beneath my feet in a major way. But when you head to the beach, which direction do you want to face? Do you turn your chair or towel facing inland or do you seat yourself so you can look across the ocean?

The picture at the beginning of this post looks back at the shore. It's full of debris. (And that was a relatively untouched-by-humans segment of the beach.) There's tons of trash. Burned wood. Washed-up seaweed. Eroding dunes. Even cigarette butts and old bottles and cans. And yicky bandaids. Ewww...

That's the view the world has to offer. You can go to the beach and opt to face inland and focus your heart on all the world has going for it. The trash left by others (or even yourself). The burned relationships. The washed-up dreams. The eroding values. The relics of self-abuse through addictions. The hurts and diseases or the body, mind, spirit, and soul. You really can choose to revel in those things.

Or you can turn your chair around and look at the ocean. See its power and might. Realize that, though the shoreline is ever-changing, the ocean is constant and mighty and sure. It wipes clean the debris from the shore. It clears off the mess made by man.


Looking out over the ocean, you can fix your heart on the One Who resides beyond the glassy sea. The One Who created the world. The One Who rescued its people from the trash heap of what we create when we try to live according to our own (super-flawed) perceptions of the world, instead of relying on Him.

Tell you what, let's try an experiment. Let's agree that as we wake up each morning and head out onto the beach of our lives, we'll face our chairs toward the ocean. Let's keep our minds off the debris and on the sparkling sea... well, on the One Whose throne sits beyond the crystal waves.

Let's jump into the Love Letter that He's written to give us His perspective on His Creation. It tells us how things work. Goodness, if there were an instruction manual for life that would help you through every single situation you ever face, wouldn't you snag it in a heartbeat and pour over its pages???!!!

Good news! There is! It's called the Bible. Our Creator wrote it so that we'd know Him and make good choices in our time here on Earth.

So let's do it! Let's be transformed!

The View from the Beach

1 After this I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven! And the first voice, which I had heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said, Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this. 2 At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne. 3 And he who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian, and around the throne was a rainbow that had the appearance of an emerald. 4 Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, clothed in white garments, with golden crowns on their heads. 5 From the throne came flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and before the throne were burning seven torches of fire, which are the seven spirits of God, 6 and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal. And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: 7 the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight.
8 And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say, Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty,who was and is and is to come! 9 And whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to him who is seated on the throne, who lives forever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before him who is seated on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 11 Worthy are you, our Lord and God,to receive glory and honor and power,for you created all things,and by your will they existed and were created. ~Revelation 4

I have loved C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia for as long as I can remember. In the stories, different characters talk about the Emperor-from-beyond-the-sea or the Emperor-from-over-the sea. Only recently did I get what that meant. As much as I thought it might be the ocean over which the Dawn Treader traveled, ultimately depositing Reepicheep among the lilies, I FINALLY caught on. C.S. Lewis was talking about Revelation 4:6. He-Who-Sit-on-the-Throne in heaven dwells across the crystal sea. Cool.

I've always loved the beach, only I never really knew why. I love the sand. I love the sun. I love the surf. I love the laughter. I love the sky. I love the breeze. The sun and the ocean mostly, though. Those are the two things that made me the Beach Girl I was back then and the Beach Mom I am today.

I love the feel of the sun. It penetrates to the center of my being, warming me physically-sure, but there's spiritual warming that happens in my heart when I sit in the sun.

And the ocean. I can think of no greater evidence of God's power. Gentle and rolling. Blue and deep. Crashing and crushing. Fierce and untamed.

All these things... everything in life... point to Something...Someone... greater. Some Meaning beyond the physical. A Creator. A Sustainer. A Father.

A few years ago I was in a Bible study that went over the book of Revelation. I fell in love with Chapters 4 & 5. They are a picture of the throne room in heaven. Wow! Chapter 4 describes the King. Chapter 5 portrays the Lamb. Beautiful. I could dwell there all day. I can't wait to see them in their glory. To understand who the elders really are. To see the living creatures. It's almost enough to make this world fade away even now.

But back to the story... at the end of Revelation, I got a little upset. I've been through stages of understanding, knowing I was supposed to be good with it. After all, God doesn't make mistakes. But I totally didn't get the part at the end, when the New Heaven and Earth came into the picture. But there it was:

1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ~Revelation 21:1

The sea was no more? How could the sea be no more?! The beach is the one thing in this world that I've loved more than any other place. How could my Father get rid of the sea?!

I went into a state of spiritual dissonance. I wanted the sea. The beach. Forever. Humph! I felt certain for years that my spot in heaven would be on a beach.

After a while I came to the point where I realized that I wanted Him more than I wanted His creation. And I was good with not having a sea anymore.

Then one day, I got to thinking. Pondering. Meditating on God's Word. And I realized that this world really IS the shadow of what is real. And as shadows are shadows of the real things, there's a spiritual significance to everything physical.

And it hit me... I love the beach because it's the closest you can get to the sea. And Jesus and the Father are across the sea. God is the Emperor-from-beyond-the-sea! No wonder I've always felt closest to Him when I'm sitting on the beach. When He's here, there won't be a beach because there won't be a sea. There won't be anything to separate us from Him. WOW!!!

So I am TRULY good with no beach in the New Heaven and Earth. That's just fine with me. Everything that I've ever loved about the beach... the sun and the surf... will be fulfilled as I live for all eternity physically in His presence. In the light of His glory. Without separation. Together. Forever. Yes!!!

In the meantime... in this world... I will continue to love the sun and the surf for what they represent. And I will look at life from the beach, in the light of my Savior and Lord.