Safety 'net...

I hated Facebook. I really did. And my children understood in no uncertain terms that I hated Facebook and that, short of a miracle, they would never have a Facebook profile while living under my roof.

I had heard all kinds of horror stories about social networking sites. MySpace had finally disclosed that they had tens of thousands of known predators who frequented their site. Each day brought a new headline about a teenager who met a stranger online and fallen in love. They would talk over a period of weeks or months and then decide to meet face-to-face. Then the teenager turned up missing. And the story had an unhappy ending.

I love my babies. Not going to go down that road.

And then the proverbial miracle happened. Our youth pastor got a Facebook profile. And he created a Facebook group. Actually several groups spun out of his foray into Facebook, and I found myself in need of a little counsel. My friend has just finished reading what was then a new book by Christian author and teen culture specialist Vicki Courtney. Logged On and Tuned Out: a nontechie’s guide to parenting a tech-savvy generation. Although I wasn’t exactly a nontechie, I had definitely heard only one side of the story about social networking, so I ordered the book from Amazon.com and waited.

It took me less than a day to read the entire book and when I finished I had a revelation. Social networking sites aren’t inherently evil. Like anything else in this fallen world of ours, the nature of the user determines the nature of the tool. Courtney explains that MySpace and Facebook are the “virtual malt shops” of the present, where kids meet and talk. She gives a wealth of information about both, but after careful processing and concerted prayer, as a family we decided to say “Yes” to Facebook and “No” to MySpace. (For us, MySpace has too many unresolved security issues.)

So I set up a Facebook profile. And I let my children over the age of thirteen set up Facebook profiles, too, with some guidelines. We have had a blast on Facebook. My children keep up with the social happenings of their friends and I’ve reconnected with people I used to know YEARS ago.

As we’ve networked through Facebook, we’ve discovered a few helpful hints for staying safe and out of trouble. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned.

Settings. Set everything to “Private” or “Friends only.” Profile, picture uploads, applications… everything. You don’t want to leave a backdoor open for strangers. No “Friends and their friends” at all. You never know when people you trust might make bad choice in their friends list. Don’t think that selecting the most restrictive access when you set up your profile will transfer to everything you do on Facebook. You have to specify the level of openness when you add photos, videos, events, groups, applications, and comments. Just about everything you do will require you to select the degree of privacy with which you want to do it.

Will you be my friend? Add/Confirm only people you really know (not people you’ve just heard of or people who say they know you but you never remember meeting them) as friends. It looks cool to have tons and tons of friends, but it’s like inviting hundreds of people into your house for a party. The more there are, the greater the chance something’s going to spin out of control and things will get broken and you’re going to get in trouble.

Have friends in the family. If the teens are on Facebook (and just for the record the minimum age to have a Facebook profile is thirteen, so if you’re having to lie about your age to get on Facebook, that’s strike one already), at least one parent needs to be on Facebook too. Parents and children need to be “Friends.” Being friends will allow the parents access to the student’s profile and to news feeds about comments other friends make about uploads or on your child’s profile.

The vault. Keep log-in information for all Facebook profiles in the family in one location, guarded by the parents. Parents: Get on your children’s profiles and check for anything that might not have come through in a news feed. Ask questions. Look through their pictures, posts, videos and links. Visit the groups they have joined. Scroll through the applications they have downloaded. View the Bumper Stickers and Pieces of Flair (two of the MANY applications that allow Facebook users to send virtual “gifts” to each other) they have accumulated. Check out all the information posted on their profile. It’s like taking a group of young students to the state fair. If you’re going to be there, you have to keep up with them.

Walk in the light. The Wall is the place for public conversations. It’s like talking out loud in a big group. Messages are private, like leaning over and whispering in someone’s ear. Make certain your whispers are appropriate. Messages never show up on the news feed. Parents: When you log-on to your children’s profiles, check the messages.
Pictures. Upload pictures to Facebook with the following in mind… What’s uploaded to cyberspace stays in cyberspace. Forever. You may think something is deleted, but digital is permanent, even after you hit delete. Deleting it just makes it invisible to most people. But trust me… it’s still there.

More pictures. People have different things that tempt them to sin. Do NOT cause your brother to stumble. Just because you were together at the pool party where you were wearing your bikini and he didn’t make any comments then doesn’t mean that when you upload the photos or videos later, things will be great. Giving someone the option of leisurely viewing you in a less-than-modest outfit or pose is NOT good for their heart, your reputation or your friendship later. It introduces darkness. Stay in the light. Ditto with your profile picture. It is literally your “face” on Facebook. People will make conclusions about what type of person you are based on the profile picture… and all the other “stuff”… you post.

Opening a can of worms. If you receive a message with a video link, verify it with the sender BEFORE opening. Facebook has been plagued of late with a worm virus that masquerades as a message to your friends. If your friends download the files, then their computers become victims of a cyber-predator. If you do get fooled into downloading and ugly virus, there are sites online where you can download anti-virus software for free. While you are in the process of getting rid of the malicious code, change your status to read that you have been a victim of a virus to let your friends know not to open anything they may receive from you.

Beware of the mask. Everyone registering for a Facebook profile has to give a name and email address. Just like someone completely innocent may choose for the sake of safety to post only a first and middle name or a first name and last initial instead of their complete name, someone else for unscrupulous reasons may choose to give an alias instead of his or her real name. For that reason, it’s best not to communicate with people via open groups or if you aren’t completely certain of that person’s identity. NEVER reveal you phone number or address in a public area on Facebook… including an open group calling for cell numbers because someone just got a new phone. Be careful that any pictures of students at home do not include street names or house numbers. And for good measure, leave your birth year off when you post your birthdate.

It’s not just an adventure, it’s a job. Facebook is fun. There’s no denying that. But it is massive. Parents should know what their children are doing at all times, not only in the real world but also in the social networking world. To join a social networking site or not is a decision that parents need to make through prayer and godly counsel. Give grace to those who choose not to participate. Hold accountable those who do.

And finally…

Since parents aren’t omniscient, we have to rely on filtering and monitoring software. You see, even on Facebook, students can instant message each other (“chat”) and then delete the history of the chat and parents will never know what happened. Our family opted to install monitoring software on our computer that allows parents to save and view every chat session and message as well as every email and website visit. This software is sophisticated enough that it can recall every single keystroke made on the computer, so that even things that get deleted later are recorded for our review. While there are many versions of this type of software, Safe Eyes and eBlaster are two of the most highly recommended.

Facebook is a defining cultural phenomenon for our age. It links the world in ways that were impossible just a few short years ago… sometimes for good and sometimes not. Like anything else you allow your children to do, make sure you keep an eye on their comings and goings. They can be safely on the ‘Net when you are their safety net.

Prom w/ me?

It's no secret that prom costs are ridiculous. Countless print, broadcast, and Internet outlets have run exposes on the high price of proms for years. Financially, the prom has been out of control for a long, long time. Now, it's spilled into the romance arena.

You would not even believe the lengths that kids are going to to ask out their prom dates. Girls expect guys to find creative ways to ask them to the prom. Just today while driving to school, the message, "Prom? TMT" was spelled out in Styrofoam cups, stuck through the chain link fence guarding a public walkway suspended over the Interstate. Boys have written/painted "Will you go to the prom with me?" in cul-de-sacs, across the threshold of front doors, and in creatively uploaded sequences of photos on Facebook.

I can remember when all that a guy had to do to get a girl to go to the prom with him was ask, "Will you go to the prom with me?" On the phone was OK. In the hall at school was fine. Even by note worked. But today, girls expect a production number accompanying the invitation. Methods formerly used to propose marriage are hijacked for a night of overpriced dining and dancing. I think that's sad.

It's just one more way that the world has sucked meaning out of the sacredness of marriage. Use all the good stuff on the prom because you might have to try out a lot of relationships before you find one that feels right enough to commit to in marriage. And even then, you can just roll over one morning and say, "Hey, how'd you like to wake up as Mrs. Me sometime in the unspecified future?" There you go.

As parents, I think we need to encourage our kids to wait for marriage for a lot of things, not just the physical union. Marriage carries with it privileges that ought to be left in its context alone. Wildly creative proposals. Elegant one-of-a-kind gowns. Handsome suits. Oceans of flowers. Feasts. Romantic slow dances. Late-night talks. Physical intimacy. Memories treasured for a lifetime. Those are wedding things.

Proms should be all about celebrating friendship and youth, not straining to reach unattainable expectations. Looking back at the prom should make us smile, not cause us to well up with tears of regret.

Mom and Dad: ponder what you can do to take the pressure off of the prom. Can you host a group dinner before the dance or a breakfast after? Would you open your house to a film-festival of old-school dance movies? Or an ice cream sundae party? Or a video game tournament? Would you give kids a public place to come before and after the prom itself, one that will be well-chaperoned and give them every reason NOT to do things... "big" or "little"... that are better left until marriage?

They're growing up so fast, but they're not there yet. Savor this occasion by parenting actively instead of stepping back and letting them pretend they're grown ups. Let this be another chance for you to teach them God's wise ways of doing life while they are still in their youth and still in your home.